The Epilogue...

Dear Reader,

Its friday afternoon. I can hear the rain softly falling on the rooftop. Its the gentle pitter-patter that gives me a bit of a rhythm as my fingertips push in the keys of my computer...

Thank you for taking a glimpse into my life. This blog has taken me through 2 years of joy, laughter, peace, hope, as well as challenges that have brought me closer in my relationship with God. I'm humbled you chose to be a part of the process.

There might not be a clearly defined rhyme and reason to each post. The tales that have fallen out of my fingertips were ones that show views of my heart and to my way of thinking were worth at least the effort of putting pen to paper.

This is not an end to my story. I will continue to write. I like being able to tell of His faithfulness in my life and the adventures He brings me through. No regrets pull at me as I end this. I wholeheartedly agree there were flashes of emotion. Or my temper rearing its head. Wisdom was occasionally present, sometimes absent. Yet I was, and still am, a recipient of His grace throughout all of it.

Epilogues tell of the future of the characters in a novel. I'm not here to tell you my future. Its in His hands. I do know I'm not who I was when I started this, and I look forward to His gentle, albeit continuous, shaping of me and my heart. His future for me is one that is bright with promise.

Thanks again for walking alongside me for a little while. You are dearly loved... by me as well as my Heavenly Father.

May the peace of our Lord be with you.

Allison
July 27, 2007

Let them eat cake...

I found some pictures while cleaning out my inbox today. They are from the cheesecake place up the road that Courtney took Carla and I to for our respective birthdays sunday... She has hers on July 26, mine was July 24...

This is the banana's foster one....

And this is the fresh strawberry one... (my favorite!)

Impertinence...

Yesterday I went grocery shopping. Ugh. I don't mind doing it...that much. Its a pain in general. What didn't help was the fact that I'm clueless when it comes to male attention. It never occurs to me men would be interested in me physically. I'm just not wired that way. You wouldn't think there would be a correlation between that and grocery shopping, and yet...

So I'm walking through Target, getting milk, bottles of water, etc etc. And there are three men who are whistling and catcalling. The first time it happens I think, man, sucks to be that girl they've taken notice of. I don't look around to see the poor lass they're ogling over. I do however, go back to my groceries, lah-dee-dah. Then I hear them again while I'm getting my lean cuisines. Man, those guys need to knock it off. After the third time, when they "happen" to appear in the baking aisle I'm in, I realize it was me they'd been catcalling. One of them walks by me while the other two stand at the far end of the aisle and watch. As he walks by he looks me up and down. I'm praying as I stand there, waiting for him to finish looking and be on his way. He does, thank you Lord, and I go back to picking up baking stuff.

Honestly? It was a noble fight to keep my temper in check from flaring last night. I think its ridiculous to catcall a lady. Men who think that is appealing are flat out mistaken. You can bet your bottom dollar there is NO WAY I will be telling my little ones, when they ask how their father and I met, well, darling, I was getting icing and he whistled at me like a dog and I just fell in love on the spot. And how it made my heart beat faster when he got a creepy glint in his eye as he looked me over from top to toe. Um, heck no. It made my heart beat faster alright, but not in a good way. More of a if you come one inch closer to me, you'll find out my family's irish.

There is a silver lining to this story. Minus the irritating buzz of being followed around the store. A lot of the baking stuff was on sale so I totally stocked up! It was fantastic! I have an idea for my next baking project! I have Lady Tiger Football camp tomorrow, but maybe I can work on it saturday. I'm so excited!

Fill in the Blank...

its late so i'm not sure how much this will make sense...

i've been at my church for 4.5 years. longest i've been anywhere as an adult. that's crazy. i've had some of the greatest moments of my life in that church, and some of the hardest challenges i've yet to face in my christian walk. i was telling my coworkers yesterday that working at the Southern University Katrina shelter was easily one of the best times of my life. It was hard, but that was a small price to pay for the honor of being able to love on those kids and parents.

tonight i was having my nightly phone call with courtney, talking about service projects in the community. i used to help out with that corporately and then it just kind of faded away. i don't know where it went, honestly. for a moment it was a brilliant promise, and then it kind of lost momentum. i still get emails from various organizations and it brings to mind what could have been, but just didn't. timing has never been my strong suit.

ah, what could have been. its a phrase that catches my attention lately. two years ago, i unwittingly began walking through the most maturing thing for my personal growth while being a part of this church. its not that my church is doing badly. at all. in fact, they are doing great. no longer a baby church, its learning and growing as it goes along.

sunday night the sermon was about openness, and trust, and being vulnerable with the people God has put in your life. the part i desperately wanted to hear is what happens when that only happens with 1/2 of that acquaintanceship, friendship, marriage, familial relationship, office, church?

what do you do when you've dragged God into a situation so achingly bittersweet and yet draws you closer to Him in your walk at the same time? that you've gotten it wrong so many times that every step is wobbly and unsure now? what's the best thing you can do to protect the ones you love from you? how far would you go not knowing what is best?

leave. stay. run. pray. shout. cry. laugh. point. stare. ask. whisper. plead. walk. fight. stop.

Who I Wanna Be...

Ah, security. I crave it. Not sure when that happened. I could say its a condition of my upbringing. Moving around so much. Starting all over every time. Learning about the social structure you've just walked into. Or I could say its because of the time I live in. Where I'm part of a country at war. Violence and anger on every channel. Evil just waiting to pounce. Or maybe I'm just getting old and I want to settle while still living a life of passion with Him.

Security has a ton of definitions:
Freedom from risk or danger; doubt, anxiety, or fear; confidence.
Something that gives safety; a pledge; guarantee; protection.

Something deposited or given as assurance of the fulfillment of an obligation.

Precautions taken to guard against crime, attack, sabotage, espionage.
One who becomes surety for another.

With my relationship with Him, we talk alot. I'm a talker. I'll spit in His ear for hours about you. I'm fantastically ok with trusting Him for stuff in the lives of my loved ones. Turn the table and I'm afraid to say a peep about me. Human hearts are so complex. Its the times I need to listen and be silent that are hard for me. Waiting for Him to say something. Or do something. I think silence is bad and going to result in hurt. But like it or not, the quiet times build my character. I think my character is a glimpse of my heart for Him in this tangible world. Plus it helps me learn to trust Him more...

He's very nice about it. Even when I'm not nice about it to Him. When I'm stamping my foot and pouting, or angry, or offend Him with my attitude. That's when His grace abounds completely in my life. He's achingly gentle and He speaks real slow and uses small words. He lets my unbelief and misunderstanding only take me so far till He decides enough is enough and sets me straight. He makes sure He enunciates and that I'm understanding Him. That's a big deal in a whirlwind of text messages, emails and other ways of non-verbal forms of communication where you translate what you think people mean.

When my security looks like this:

God + my desires

I = confused, doubting, heartbroken, overanalyzing

When my security looks like this:

God

I = love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Also known as the fruits of the spirit.

Mmm. Sanctification. The process of becoming holy. Another process from God. O, how I want to be that girl. A girl that's kind and faithful and gentle and trusting and all of those things. I'm not sure I'll ever "make it" to be her. But the most surprising and wonderful part? He doesn't let go of me through any of it...